


And Then Dean Freaks Out

by superchester



Series: And So It Goes [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Attempted Rape, Deaf Dean Winchester, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 16:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3256688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superchester/pseuds/superchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are going great with Cas and school and honestly, Dean. Well, they were, and then they weren't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Then Dean Freaks Out

It’s not that Dean’s wandering around thinking about this, alright? Cas was just walking him to class one morning after he’d slept over the night before (and no they didn’t do that, geez,) when it happened.

They were holding hands, (Dean likes holding Castiel’s hand, fucking sue him,) when he sees a group of guys and girls, maybe five or six, piled up together beside the pillars in the courtyard. He thinks nothing of them at first, but their hand movements catch his eye as he and Cas stroll passed. 

For a split second, he thought they were signing, but they aren’t and Dean knows a rude, suggestive gesture when he sees one. He watches their mouths move, stopping abruptly and pulling Cas up short beside him. 

Dean jerks his head to the group who appear to be laughing now. He releases Castiel’s hand to sign, “What are they saying?”

It’s when Cas fidgets and turns red instead of replying that Dean knows what they’re saying. Just. Fuck.

He grabs Cas’ hand again and practically drags him passed the group of mocking college students, ears burning as he goes.

It’s just… Dean’s never really thought about this part of dating someone, dating Cas...dating a guy. Maybe he’s a little oblivious, but he isn’t stupid. He should have seen this coming. He could have prepared himself, or, fuck, not walked around holding hands with Cas in public. 

No, Dean thinks, he doesn’t want to not hold Castiel’s hand whenever he feels like it, damn it.

But there’s anxiety rising from his belly, curdling the coffee and untoasted pop tarts he and Cas shared in his dorm room for breakfast.

He needs to get out of this situation and talk to someone. Dr. Barnes. Now.

There’s sweat breaking out on his upper lip and forehead, he’d almost forgotten Cas was following along behind him, their hands still clasped. Dean allows his sweaty hand to slip away as the panic in him mounts and crests up, up, up until he’s jittery and breathless and borderline delirious with it.

Everyone around him is a threat. They’re all staring at him and judging him and talking about him because he can’t hear them doing it so they think he’ll never know but he does, he does and it hurts.

For a moment his vision tunnels and Dean thinks, if his heart weren’t pumping so fast, he might faint right here and now, but instead his legs spur into action and he’s running. 

Vaguely, he’s aware of a hand brushing against his shoulder, like someone’s trying to grab him, but he pushes passed it and everyone else, heading straight towards anywhere but here.

He ends up in a secluded clearing by a lake, at the furthest edge of campus he could get to. He’s still gasping for breath and shaking as he pulls out his cellphone. 

Fr: Dean  
To: Dad  
May 16, 2014 @ 9:58am

Can you come get me. 

Dean barely waits a half a minute for the response, but shame is already beginning to mix with the anxiety and panic in his gut.

Fr: Dad  
To: Dean  
May 16, 2014 @ 9:59am

Are you hurt? What happened? 

Dean curls up on the grassy shore, arms around his knees, he presses his eyes into the fabric of his jeans for a second, trying to get control of his breathing. His chest feels too tight and his lungs feel like they’ve grown twice the size and he’s only getting enough air to fill them halfway.

He’s not hurt. Not physically. But not every pain is physical. Sometimes it’s the cuts you can’t see that hurt the most.

Fr: Dean  
To: Dad  
May 16, 2014 @ 10:06

I wanna go home dad

-

Castiel finds him twenty minutes later, sniffling into his knees, tears still falling whenever he blinks. 

“Your dad called me.” he signs, crouching in front of Dean so that they’re eye level.   
Dean sniffles again, shrugs. 

“He says you want to come home.”

He wipes at his cheeks roughly, shrugging again.

Castiel’s hands land on either side of his face, lifting Dean’s chin until their eyes make contact. He leans forward, pressing his lips to Dean’s forehead. Then his eyebrow, the space between his eyes, his eyelids. 

Cas is gentle, lips soft and barely there like fluttering wings. 

But it’s too much for Dean right now, Cas is too nice, too too too-

Dean feels like his heart is exploding and his chest is shrinking simultaneously. Instead of stopping his tears are starting back up again, leaking from the corners of his eyes, snot dripping from his nose.

He’s gross and embarrassing and Castiel is throwing his life away spending time with him. He ducks his head out of Cas’ hands.

“I just need a break for a while.” Dean swipes his arm under his nose. Cas will understand. 

“Dean, I don’t understand. I mean, those guys were jerks but-”

Dean shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

Castiel pulls away completely, sitting back from Dean and landing on his butt on the grass. 

“Dean, you never want to talk about anything.” Castiel looks… not angry, but frustrated, “I don’t want to push you, but sometimes I feel like you don’t trust me. And, I know we’re dating and this is new for you but, Dean I like to think that we’re friends as well.” 

Dean wonders how long Cas has been waiting to say that. And… well, Dean would like to be angry at Castiel. He’d like to tell him to shove it and mind his own business, but that isn’t fair to Cas. He’s been with Cas for over half a year, it’s time Dean nut up and appreciate what he has. 

But he can’t talk about it. Not right now. If he thinks about that right now, well, Dean can already hear a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Pam’s telling him to take a break and regroup.

“Cas-” He stops. Tries to get his jumbled thoughts together enough so he can explain to Cas that they’ll talk about this, they will, just. Not right now.  
“Look, Dean, I get that you’re upset, I am too, but pushing me away, I don’t know what that’s going to accomplish.” 

“Cas, I’m not pushing you away, I just need some time.”

“And you can have it, Dean, but we’re friends, and I feel like we’re growing apart. Ever since this-” Cas gestures between them, “started we haven’t been the same. You’re hiding from me, and I just-” Castiel shakes his head, dragging his palm down his face, “I don’t know what to say to you to make you believe that no matter what it is, I won’t leave you, I love you.”

Dean’s a real mess now and Cas’ eyes are suspiciously watery and this is all too much for him. 

“Cas, I’m begging you, let’s just- I can’t think straight right now man, let’s go back to my dorm, and take like a break or something,” Dean swallows against the lump in his throat, hoping Cas will get it.

“Alright,” Cas signs. He rises, pulling Dean up by the hand. “Come on.” 

-

Dean tells Cas about what happened before he moved to Sioux Falls. Not just the sexual assault in that motel parking lot, but about his mom and how he lost his hearing too.

They’re lying side by side in Dean’s bed, far enough apart to see each others hands, but not so far that Dean can’t kiss Cas (or vice versa) if he wants to.

-

The next day, Dad is there to pick him up. Dean still needs a break, and… well, he’d like to talk to Pam, see if she can’t find him a therapist in Boston.

He knows he’s on fragile ground, mentally. Pam says that life is full of journeys, and his journey to healing isn’t quite finished yet. Dean knows that’s a fancy way of saying he that he’s still pretty messed up, but acceptance is the first step and he’s taking it.

It helps that to have Cas in his corner too.

-

Dean spends a week at home, his professors emailed assignments and Sammy to keep him company.

He misses Castiel, but the text a lot. A little too much, Dad thinks, but Dean knows Dad likes Cas.

They even skype at night. Not for very long. Just to say goodnight really. Sam teases him about it, but Dean feels… well, happy, actually.

On Thursday when Dad tells Dean they can start the drive back to school tomorrow morning if he wants, Dean takes a deep breath and says yes.

Pam says she’ll come with so she can take him to meet his new therapist, Dr. Henrikson, and Dean is less nervous about talking to someone because Dr. Henrikson is Pam’s friend, and more than that she’ll be there with him.

Sam joins them for the ride and Dean is struck by how familiar all of this feels. Familiar, but better, somehow. 

He and Sam are in the backseat together, Pam riding shotgun, and Dean can feel the music and the road vibrating the sides of the car around him. 

He grins at Sam, and Sam grins back. 

Dean missed the road. But as they head towards Boston, Dean realizes that missing the road doesn’t have to mean that he can’t move on and move forward. 

Dean bends down, pulling his brand new Nikon from it’s case. It had been a gift from Bobby, when he’d graduated high school. He’d hugged Dean and kissed the top of his head gruffly. 

Bobby was proud of him.

Dean slipped the lens cap off, switching the camera on and bringing it to eye level. He fiddled with the lens, trying to focus on the landscape as it zoomed passed. He couldn’t get a good shot, so he turned forward, zooming out as far as the camera would allow, and took a picture of Dad and Pam and the sky through the windshield between them. 

He pulled back, checking the image. It was nice. Romantic, he supposed, interesting to the outside observer and meaningful to him. He turned, capturing a picture of Sammy sleeping against the window.

He takes a couple more shots then replaces the lens cap. There would be plenty of time to take pictures when they stopped over in Indiana.

-

It’s early Sunday morning when they hit Boston, so they stop at a diner for breakfast and coffee and Sam and Dean throw crumpled up pieces of napkin and straw wrappers at each other. 

After this they’re going to meet Dr. Henrikson at his office downtown. It’s a little far from the school, but Dean asked Cas if he’d be okay with giving him rides once a week. 

“You okay?” Sam asks, poking Dean’s shoulder with his fork. 

Dean shakes himself out of thinking about how great Cas is and signs, “I’m good.” before chucking a piece of his sausage in Sam’s face.

Pam leans across the table and ruffles Dean’s hair, “Ready to go, bud?” 

Dean shovels the rest of his pancake into his mouth and nods.

“Did you tell Cas you’re back yet?” Sam wiggles his eyebrows at Dean like an idiot. 

Dean kicks him under the table, “Shut up, nerd.”

Sam’s mouth opens and he throws his head back as he laughs. 

Dad reaches over and flicks Sam’s shoulder. “Don’t tease your brother.”

Sam makes a face, shrugging his shoulders, “He makes it so easy.” 

Dean punches him in the shoulder. 

Dad shakes his head, “Alright you goons, let’s go, we still gotta drop Dean at school.” 

Dean feels his face heat up, “Actually, Dad, Cas is gonna meet me downtown. We’re going to the movies.”

Dad’s eyebrows climb up his forehead but he very noticeably says nothing. Dean suspects Pam is pinching him under the table.

-

Dr. Victor Henrikson is sort of intimidating at first, tall and imposing. Very no-nonsense. But Dean appreciates it. Dr. Henrikson is kind of a darker skinned, male version of Pamela, really.

“I know you and Pamela worked together for awhile, Dean, but I want us to start from the beginning. So you have to tell me about yourself, okay? I want to help you, but you have to let me.”  
“Okay. That sounds...good. Thank you.”

They don’t really go passed introductions and setting appointments because it’s just a consult really, and Dad, Sam and Pamela are out in the waiting room.

Dr. Henrickson walks him out, clapping a hand on his shoulder and shaking hands with his Dad before they leave.

They pile into the Impala again, and Dean directs Dad to the theater where they play closed caption movies.

Cas is standing outside the entrance of the theater when they pull up, weird, flasher coat blowing behind him in the wind. Dean’s chest feels like it swells Dad puts the car in park and twist in his seat to look back and Dean. 

“Be good, okay?”

Dean leans over the seat to give his dad, then Pam a hug, “I’m always good,” he says, and winks just to annoy his dad. 

He gives Sam a longer hug because he knows his brother gets bored without him sometimes, even with all his cool new school friends and his most recent crush, Jessica, to keep him company.

Eventually he hops out, waves goodbye again, and then practically skips into Cas’ arms. Alright, yeah, he fucking missed Cas. The skipping was manly. And you know what? Cas gives the best hugs.

Like, literally. Castiel isn’t very “touchy” but he always gives these great, super meaningful hugs, like, “Let me hold you for a minute cause I missed you” hugs, nevermind if they’ll just see each other tomorrow or in a couple hours. Cas always hugs Dean. 

Dean cherishes each one. Secretly.

He kisses Cas hello when they part. Just a small peck, barely discernible by passersby. 

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas.”

 

And, okay, they haven’t really talked anything out yet, just texting and stuff, but Dean knows that even when he is a whiny bitch Castiel is gonna be right fucking there. 

Just knowing that with certainty is something that buoys Dean and makes him feel like he can breathe a bit easier. 

So instead of pulling away from Cas completely he grabs his hand and pulls him towards the theater because… well, just because. 

The look Cas gives him is bewildered but happy, and Dean stops and kisses Cas’ cheek. Just ‘cause. 

-

(Later on when they’re back at Dean’s dorm and Cas asks Dean if he’s sure, Dean pulls Cas down on top of him and breathes a soundless “yes” against his ear.)

**Author's Note:**

> When I write sometimes I get blocked up. I try to power through it but towards the middle section I felt like I was forcing it. I hope it isn't too obvious, but I took a little break and came back back reinvigorated. 
> 
> Anyway, please review or leave kudos, let me know what you think or what you'd like to see!


End file.
